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  • 14. Therese Says

    By Teddy Wayne

    Ben Fountain calls Teddy Wayne’s upcoming debut novel, Kapitoil, “a brilliant book.” Teddy’s brilliance extends to this story, which—like an oblique, querulous jazz solo—is as provocative for what it leaves out as for the jagged musings it includes.

    Therese says, “I wonder how long it would take to swim to the moon in a spacesuit.”
    Therese says, “Between you and me, I’ve never really liked my younger sister.”
    Therese says, “I once fucked five men in a twenty-four-hour period.”
    Therese says, “Sometimes I cry at diamond commercials.”
    Therese says, “I once thought I’d be a softball player, until I got cut from my varsity team, and I never played again.”
    Therese says, “So I joined the cheerleader squad and quit after four months.”
    Therese says, “I’d trust him as far as I could throw him.”
    Therese says, “One score and seven years ago I was born unto this sorrowful world.”
    Therese says, “Once in a while I miss my father, but not too often.”
    Therese says, “I’m not the type of girl to ask if this makes me look fat, but does it?”
    Therese says, “The majority of my dreams revolve around death by asphyxiation.”
    Therese says, “Damned by faint praise.”
    Therese says, “I’m too ambitious for my own good.”
    Therese says, “If I could save either you or my mother from a sinking ship, I’d choose her in a second.”
    Therese says, “I hope that doesn’t hurt your feelings too much.”
    Therese says, “When I was five I choked on an apple, and part of me wishes I hadn’t spit it up.”
    Therese says, “If God gave me the option to restart the universe from scratch, I’d go for it.”
    Therese says, “I usually think I’m the most fascinating person in the room, but I know I’m wrong.”
    Therese says, “Sleeping is my second-favorite activity.”
    Therese says, “I love the ocean, but not going in it.”
    Therese says, “When I’m alone for long periods, I tend to bore myself.”
    Therese says, “If I were you, I’d love me wholeheartedly.”
    Therese says, “I try to preserve a certain aura of mystery.”
    Therese says, “My favorite actor is Clark Gable, and my favorite actress is no one.”
    Therese says, “I didn’t learn to read until I was eight years old.”
    Therese says, “My longest period of abstinence was four years, when I felt I was at my physical prettiest.”
    Therese says, “I would someday like to live in Canada.”
    Therese says, “No way, José.”
    Therese says, “Most days I wake up feeling ugly.”
    Therese says, “If I had to choose: marry Johnny Depp, fuck Brad Pitt, kill George Clooney.”
    Therese says, “Sometimes I have no idea what you’re thinking.”

    *

    © by Teddy Wayne. Used by permission of the author.

    Read more about Teddy’s new novel, Kapitoil, here.

    Preorder a copy here!

    And enter the world of Teddy here!



    2 Trackbacks

    1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Steffen Rasile, Calvert Morgan. Calvert Morgan said: Teddy Wayne's debut novel KAPITOIL, coming soon, has got back-to-back starred reviews. Check out his new story at 52S: http://bit.ly/bJTEqa […]

    2. […] “Therese Says,” Teddy Wayne […]

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